6 types of cyclists you’ll meet on the road
The profiles and behaviors of certain cyclists on the road deserve an anthropological study.
We could classify them as urban subcultures, each with its own way and quirks. All special and focused on their bicycle.
Since we cannot describe them all in this article, we have selected the ones that we find most unbearable.
These are the 6 most trippy cyclists you will find on the road …
Road Cyclist 1: Mr. Robot
It is naturally a homo tecnologus. He could perfectly be a Black Mirror character. This is the prelude to the cyborg cyclist. All possible route measurement apps are installed. He integrates a camera into his helmet to capture every moment of the journey.
Pulse rates are measured with a state-of-the-art watch connected to the doctor in the event of respiratory arrhythmia. And the weather conditions, let’s not forget to check the weather forecast every 10 minutes.
Live streaming of the most special moments from each cycling stage, and if there aren’t any, they’re created. It’s not very clear if he rides to show off or if he does it because he really enjoys riding a bike.
The point is, this endearing cyclist is both hated and loved: for many he is a virtual entertainment product and for others a theater that aspires to be an influencer. On the plus side, if you ride a bike with him, you’ll definitely have plenty of AV material from the route that you share with him.
Road Cyclist 2: Chef Ramsey
Behind the fact that you go out on your bike is a secret conspiracy like the watergate: what you’re really looking for is a good excuse to eat without a bad conscience. One way to forget about healthy foods that you try during the week with little success.
He creates itineraries perfectly suited to a gastronomic goal: a stop at 10:00 a.m. to devour everything in the pastry shop, at 1:00 p.m. to fill the stomach in a restaurant with starter, main course, dessert, bread and coffee (or failing that, free buffet).
And to close the scene, a pint of beer (one, or more). Or if you are a gourmet, a glass of sauvignon.
Final result: +2300 calories.
Road Cyclist 3: Tom Cruise
He is not afraid of anything or anyone. Accelerating on the road and braking at every turn. He collects so many falls and injuries that he could turn it into a sticker album.
He is a being with horchahata in his veins, unable to understand what it is to feel dizzy. He has the same face at 60 / h on his ultralight as he was taking a nap. There are voices that say that meeting 6 of the 9 requirements, proposed by psychologist Robert Hare, is to consider a person to have characteristics of psychopathy.
He does not understand that others do not like him and thinks that caution is just the name of an urban grandmother in disuse.
He has integrated all the corporate slogans of large multinationals and that is why he thinks he is IMMORTAL: do it, no limits, nothing is impossible, Red Bull gives you wings (in heaven if you don’t ‘don’t learn …).
Road Cyclist 4: Fake Pogacar
Everything is a competition for him, but he is not in competition with anyone. He shines when he crosses another cyclist, even if he is 50 years older. If you ride with him and he reaches the top of the climb before you do, he will remind you every day for the rest of your life.
He has a display case in his living room with the cup he won in the school race. He’s a frustrated aspiring professional cyclist. On a bad day, he has a catalog of over 300 excuses to justify his poor performance.
He still hopes a headhunter will see him speeding through the neighborhood.
Road Cyclist 5: Gucci
He is always up to date. It’s not clear how, but more money is spent on bike products than on food. It is assumed that he even goes to the bank to apply for loans to get the best parts for his bike.
He has a new jersey for each route. Usually he’s not shy: he likes to wear bright colors, but not so that cars can see him on the road. His ambition is to be a model, but without realizing that he is in the wrong place. The size, the tighter the better. And laser hair removal, the best decision of his life.
It is an ode to capitalist hyperconsumption. He looks over his shoulder at those who cycle with a 200 euros bike. He likes biking? We’re not sure, but the gossip says he actually uses a stuntman to get on the bike.
What is so great about this cyclist? By observing him, we know what we do NOT want to look like.
Road Cyclist 6: The traffic police with built-in GPS
Both a miracle and a nightmare. He’s got a cop in him who really says everything from the speed bump in the road (which is appreciated), to the number of traffic lights we’ll find in the next town.
His quality, being fixed to the handlebars with one hand, to make indications with the other.
And if we are cycling in a group, persevere, because throughout the course he will indicate in which positions we must pedal, with whom and how many kilometers before the next outing.
His favorite phrases: “be very careful here, there is a narrowing of the road”, “remember there is still 2.5 kilometers to climb”, “please let’s get together some more so that there are no overtaking problems ”.
If you’ve felt totally or partially identified, don’t worry, we all have a little bit of each of these creatures from hell: sometimes we want to be champions, we all love to eat and enjoy a beer with friends at the end of the race, we all like to wear our favorite jersey and we all like to measure our times and frame the most memorable moments of our outings.
Anyway, we’re all a bit cartoonish from time to time, so we better take all these weirdnesses that make us feel like cyclists too.